Cap & Co., part 4
and romantasy relationship theory
The Transitive Property of Video Game Love
Before we jump back in to another installment of my first solo RPG experiment, let me warn you that this is the least cozy installment yet. If you’re more interested in that sort of thing, check out The Soloist Gift Guide.
You are a Muffin — Play as a pastry in a cozy café. Each customer will place an order and perhaps take a seat to stay a while. There’s a chance that they might choose you as their snack (which is better than getting stale).
In the meantime, on this unusually snowy weekend in North Carolina, I’ve been re-watching a favorite anime. I promise it will be relevant to this week’s adventure.
The basic setup of this very trope-aware series is that Uncle was a video game obsessive (SEGA consoles, specifically) who awakened in 2017 from a 17-year coma after being hit by a truck crossing the street at the age of 17. He spent those years in a fantasy world as a hugely powerful magic user, but one who had no social skills, in part because he viewed every single event through the lens of video games.
And of course there’s a romantic subplot1, less a love triangle than a warped rhombus with three beautiful ladies:
the flame-haired, green-eyed princess, the brilliant but bitchy tsundere whose unpronounceable Elvish name we only learn in the last couple of episodes;
the ice princess Mabel, who’s sort of a dumb blonde (except her hair is a glacial blue, so maybe she’s a dumb bluende?);
and Alicia the Hero, whose short mouse-brown hair marks her as the nice girl, whose openness and emotional intelligence mean that there are fewer misunderstandings, and the ones that do happen actually get resolved instead of becoming running jokes.
He meets them in this inside-out order. I’ve always been frustrated by the seemingly universal appeal of the tsundere archetype, because why would you want someone who is mean to you? Uncle doesn’t understand it either, and spends a lot of the series trying to get away from Elf, though in game terms it makes perfect sense. Tsundere Elf is the final boss, romantically.
Alicia is Uncle’s first “success,” because Alicia is easy. Not in the promiscuous sense but in the sense that when she comes to him at the hot spring in a clingy wet nightgown she just says what she wants. When Uncle asks her to show him her body, she just does (or tries to).
Mabel has more defenses, but she also responds to simple kindness. Elf is the most difficult of the three, and therefore the most valuable, in video game logic. Or maybe vice versa: as the most valuable, she must be the most difficult. It only makes sense if you don’t think about it, like one of those transitive property memes.
Stinging Nettles
These little herbs, originally from Europe, have now followed humans to every inhabited continent. They’ve been used in herbal medicine for a long time and apparently have other uses to certain communities, ritual and . . . recreational2. Their venom chemistry mimics a lot of human hormones and neurotransmitters.
It seems to affect goblins even more than it does humans.
We left the wild goblin party chasing after their Nixie-charmed members (that particular charm spell lasts a year and a day, according to OSE), having rolled the Actions Repulse and Inform on Mythic’s Meaning Tables. As that was the tail end of game session 3, and I was tired, I didn’t roll all that out and just decided what would happen, based on the keywords.
The five Lone Pine goblins came out of the woods once Beretun was out of sight the next morning. There were covered in welts. “I see you found some poison ivy,” Cap said.
“Nah,” replied their leader. “Stinging nettles!” She looked so proud of herself, Cap didn’t offer to have Cosmos brew up some kind of lotion for them.
“But you weren’t charmed . . . ?” Cap started.
“I had to sell it. You shoulda seen their stupid blue faces when we told ‘em it wasn’t contagious!” The others in her entourage, some of them much more swollen than she was, scratched uncomfortably. But they were grinning too. Clearly they would follow her anywhere.
“Heading home, then?”
“You wanna come? I’ll show you what else we use the nettles for.”
Laudanum was giving him a look. “Better not. The eyeball is impatient.”
“Can I ride your ant?”
“If I can ride your wolf.”
On the Road to Thorham
Because I probably shouldn’t have raised the Chaos Factor last time, I kept it the same this time, even though the PCs were clearly not in control of last week’s final scene, as they were tripping and falling over themselves trying not to die at the mandibles of the giant Driver Ants summoned by a random cursed scroll. Still at 6.
Stepped away from the Scarlet Heroes weather table because it only has two seasons and instead went with Fate Questions.
Does it continue raining? Likely. 23 Yes
Do ants get stuck in the mud? Unlikely 47 No, but close, so slow
OSE Foraging d6 → 6 Fail
Do the PCs go home with the wild goblins? Likely. 76 No
The next time Cap saw the goblins, they burst out of the woods chasing a bunch of wild boar. Not the big males, which were notoriously dangerous, but a group of females and little ones. Cap tumbled off his ant when it surged to intercept, but he did get one shot off with his crossbow from the ground, which luckily didn’t break when he landed on it and — unlike a regular bow — still worked in the rain.
Roast pork sounded pretty good, if they could get a fire started.
Do the wild goblins come with them? Unlikely. 03 Exceptional Yes
Wandering Monster 2 Yes Herd Animals
Wild? Likely. 56 Yes
3 d20 attack rolls → 2 hits, making capture Likely. 27 Yes
They camp under the eaves of the forest to get out of the rain and cook a meal.
So by now I thought I knew where this might be going, but boy, was I wrong.
Laudanum stepped out of the woods where she had gone to relieve herself instead of just squatting like a wolf while the others watched and laughed, which had already occurred multiple times this evening. Then there was yelling, and the fire blazed up, and what a bother. She took a moment to bury her business under the wet leaves and started back.
But what the hell was this?
Cap was down with a short spear sticking out of his back. That crazy little wolf-bitch Turpentine was hanging in the air above him, until the huge antler-like jaws of Cap’s driver ant clipped her arm off in a spurt of blood and started eating it. Three other goblins were already being torn apart by the other three ants. The last was facing off with Colmund at spearpoint, its eyes gleaming redly in the firelight.
With a word, Laudanum lit up the campsite as bright as she could and sent the last two goblins shrieking into the forest with their wolves.
“Do not come back!” she called after them.
Does Cap make out with this goblin girl? Likely. 86 No
Do the wild goblins leave? Likely. 02 Exceptional Yes
Is she mad? Likely. 10 Exceptional Yes
Is there a fight? 50/50. 55 Yes < Chaos Factor 6 → Move Toward a Thread
(4) Cap works on his book
Does she take his book? 50/50. 00 Exceptional Yes → another Random Event → PC Negative
Does she destroy his book? Likely. 06 Exceptional Yes
Are weapons drawn? 27 Yes
Is blood spilled? 11 Exceptional Yes → yet another Random Event → NPC Action table 1
00 Waste + 38 Drop
FIGHT!
initiative: us 3, them 2
5 goblins
g1 Turpentine 16 to hit, 3 points to Cap (smeared with Waste)
g2,3,4 miss;
g5 17 to hit, 2 points to Cosmos
4 ants all hit
g1 (Turpentine) for 6, which doesn’t kill her
g2 dead
g3 dead
g5 dead
Laudanum casts Light, the two left (g1 Turpentine and g4) jump on the two wolves and they flee.
The ants busy themselves tearing apart and eating the dead goblins.
Cap critically fails a Poison saving throw (1!) and develops a raging infection from the shit-stained spear wound.
What a horrific single round of combat.
Cutting Away
Do the two remaining goblins make it home? 50/50. 60 Yes
Does the chief’s daughter lose her arm? 37 Yes
Does she die? 24 Yes
On the way? 95 No, she lingers for 2d4 days (1+1=2)
So they have 2 days before the Lone Pines potentially declare war.
Who Are These Lone Pine Goblins?
6d10 → 32 adults, 15 of whom are warriors
OSE says they are led by 3 hit die chieftain with 15 hit points on average and 8 bodyguards who travel with him, all on dire wolves. I used the same online generator as for the previous set and got
chief Strength 12, Int 18, Wis 12, Dex 13, Con 14, Chr 11
That 18 Intelligence gave me pause and I considered switching it with Strength.
bodyguard 1 s12 i14 w12 d17 c13 chr10
bg2 s16 i11 w7 d13 c17 chr12
bg3 s6 i11 w11 d13 c9 chr11
bg4 s13 i15 29 d17 c8 chr12
bg5 s15 i14 w8 d7 c13 chr11
bg6 s16 i10 w12 d8 c13 chr12
bg7 s11 i16 w6 d13 c12 chr9
bg8 s13 i16 w10 d13 c8 chr8
Treasure type C: nothing!!! missed every single roll!
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